I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
