You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
