My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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