i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
