my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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