Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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