last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
