Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
