I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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