dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
