Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
