If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
