Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
