Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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