So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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