You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
