our cab driver is having phone sex.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
