I wish I only lived at night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
