Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
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