I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
sarcasm needs its own font
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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