I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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