I think my fart just growled at me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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