Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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