I have demons in me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
