She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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