i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My vagina just recognized that song.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
