He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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