Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
