she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He felt like a one man threesome
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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