Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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