I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
