Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
