I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
