i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
