you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
