you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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