He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize