i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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