Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize