I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
