i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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