when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
