why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
