he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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