so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
