my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's never too late to be topless.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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