i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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