The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
