My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Randomize
