I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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