Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I need water and some morals
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
