Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
