I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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