She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
