I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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