Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize