mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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