dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
my poor anus
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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