WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
