Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
