My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
