I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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